Today I took my kids for a walk/run and couldn’t bring myself to explain to them why. We’ve been going on walks more than ever the last few weeks, but today was for a different purpose. They smiled and ran, as I kept a close eye on them while trekking along. So much joy and innocence as Josiah ran with his arms high in the air. Grace being protective big sister as usual. All the while, my mind was unable to comprehend the pain of Ahmaud’s mother who watched her children run and play and is now grieving her son’s unjust murder. Today, on what would have been his 26th birthday, I joined with thousands of others around the world and walked in his memory.

As a daughter of God, as a black woman, as a woman who was raised by, am married to and am raising a black man, I view this racial injustice from many vantage points. From every angle, it is painful and puzzling. 

As someone who was raised in multiethnic schools and churches my whole life, I absolutely love the diversity of my friendships and community. It is a personal value I will always uphold. Yet, I realize that in this country there’s a deep rooted ignorance, fear and hatred against people of color that needs to be uprooted and healed from the heart.  

As a black woman, I know that God created me with this skin color for a purpose. I’m grateful for who I am, and the strength of my racial heritage. Yet even though I’ve personally experienced racism and witnessed it with my husband and family, it always puzzles me. I don’t expect it, because I don’t operate that way. I don’t live my life focused on “he’s white” and “I’m black.” I acknowledge and celebrate the differences, sure, but it’s not the blaring sounding board that I base my life and decisions by everyday. Yet here we are again, another innocent life taken unjustly, and I’m grappling between the pain and the puzzling. 

The pain and the puzzling. 

The pain and the puzzling. 

That’s the simplest way I can describe it. 

The pain in light of his family, the puzzling of a father and son conspiring against an innocent young man. The pain of lost dreams, the puzzling of what could have been. The pain of being reminded again of the sweltering, ignorant hatred that exists against people that look like me and my family...the puzzling nature of outright injustice. 

With all of my questions, pain and puzzling thoughts, I know that I serve a God of justice. While on my walk today, I listened to a bible reading plan that included Psalm 58. It spoke of injustice, and how the people of God celebrate when justice is served. I pray that justice is served, and upheld consistently. I pray that the next generation can end racism. I pray that my generation will break out of the comfort zones of one-race friend groups and embrace meaningful relationships and uncomfortable conversations with people of a different race. I pray that the love of God would be shown abroad and truly win over hate. 

I never do posts like this, because there are just so many layers and deep thoughts that I process through regarding this issue, but today, I decided to speak. Thanks for listening.

Emonne Markland